Hello, good morning and as ever, a big, big welcome to the blog. On today's entry we're going to be discussing two things and I'm in a hurry to shoot some Spanish people in the face, followed up with a piledriver to splat their stupid gallego Diego skulls. Amigo, joder a tu luchador chino o lo que sea. Mierda. Amigo. Quiero decir, si, ya sabes. Mierda.
Yes! So I'm going to cover something that will be of no interest to about 99% of you, but oh well. I need to get it out of my bollocks, here doubling for my system.
Blazblue!
See how pro that was? I'm going to quickly run through my top five characters from this game, based on a mixture of gameplay, personality and character development. Should be quite funky if you give a damn.
First of all, Blazblue is a fighting game/visual novel thing. It's all anime related. I happen to hate anime, my kindest opinion of it is that it tells good stories but covers it in ridiculous fluff like gigantic sweat drops, laughing fits at absolutely nothing, ridiculously-named techniques and people...God I could go on forever. With this in mind, I still love the Blazblue games. They tell fantastic stories, each character is dripping with personality, the gameplay is intricate, fast-paced and intense. You can fight as a total 'scrub' as I believe the real losers say, or you can be a master, but it'll require dedication...which, if you get any action, you aren't going to have time to give to this game. Ok, as ever I had a bunch of clever things to say here in my mind but the time has come and I want to fire me that Chicago Typewriter, so let's get right to it. First off...
Tits McGhee is most certainly not on vacation anymore! Straight to the point - I like Litchi because her character tells an interesting story. One of the nicest fuckers around, but will go to any lengths...any...lengths...to get the one thing she wants. No spoilers here, but it doesn't take long before you find out what that thing is. As far as playstyle goes, she has two entirely separate movesets - one with the staff, one without. She's all fast with her karate and shit without it, and with it she can strike you from pretty much anywhere on the field. Fun!
Fourth Favourite Blazblue Character: Makoto
That fucking squirrel tail and the fucking skimpiness both irritate me greatly. No need for either. Regardless, this bitch is never done whinging about the 'squirrel racism' she receives. That's the odd thing about the Blazblue world...black people are fine but if you have a squirrel tail, shit to be you. Rightly so too. Anyway, Makoto...she pretty much made this list based purely on her playstyle. She's a lot of fun! Every big move can be charged and your timing needs to be spot on. If it isn't, you'll knock your partner a little bit. But if it is, you'll send them hurtling miles and the screen goes nuts. Hard to explain. Try her if you fancy.
Third Favourite Blazblue Character: Bang
I can see why a lot of niggas would find this nigga a royal pain in the fartflaps. He's loud, brash, full of himself...yes, all true, but my God he says some funny shit. He's such a parody of himself, all the boring 'fight for justice' ninjas most people are so fucking tired of. He gets the piss taken out of him constantly, but he's completely oblivious, too busy giving massive speeches and generally being a pain. I love him. Playing as him is great fun though, he's got stars, giant nails to kick off, pretty snazzy combos, stuff like that. If you can fulfil the conditions to turn him 'super' too, it's all over.
Second Favourite Blazblue Character: Hazama
Oh yeah, spoiler alert, he's a bad guy. Possibly my favourite bad guy of them all, because he just relishes the misery he causes, and is quite happy to be evil purely for the sake of it. When he's being a nice fella, he's convincing and subtly manipulative. But when he's in evil mode, people get insulted, nails get broken, "Poo poo head!" is shouted (more than once!). Seriously though he's a fucking amazing villain because he's just such a dick and is always one step ahead, delighting in the despair around him. As far as gameplay goes, he fights like Michael Jackson dances. He's really, really hard to use but what do you expect? Also, when he's 'Unlimited', there is simply no beating him. Top ten hardest bosses ever when he's like that.
Favourite Blazblue Character: Platinum
Haha, no.
Actual Favourite Blazblue Character: Taokaka
Was there ever any doubt? Tao is my fucking spirit animal or some shit dude fuck. I'm...fuck. She eats, she sleeps, she doesn't give a fuck. Even when everything's about to go to shit if she doesn't go do something, "Oh well!" then off she fucks to eat. Her lines are actually funny (most of the time), she lives to be happy and you never, ever see her real face. What's not to love? She makes any scene she appears in lighthearted and it's just bullshit when people go hitting her and shit I mean seriously. Look at her! She's the weakest character in the game but she's also the fastest. Losing to Taokaka is more or less a stamp of disgrace on your conscience for the rest of your life, which is why it's so satisfying to destroy Hakumen, strongest character, with her using nothing but super-speedy combos, grabs and the lot. I know few people use her because she's not...cool, but that's what I like about her, I don't take video games seriously at the best of times. So, on Team Tao I am, and on Team Tao I will stay forever.
Wow, you actually read that, you nerdy fuck? Thank you! One final thing. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard at a video in my life. I recorded myself laughing at it because it was so strange to hear, even for me, to be laughing quite so much. I won't say any more for fear of spoiling it, but you only need to watch the first four minutes of this. This man, known only as 'Dopefish', has made my life complete. J.T. Sexkik did it last week with Hammockalypse...Dopefish gets the spotlight this week, simply for having the world's best laugh, by far.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...Laddergoat.
Well now...I promised myself that I would write here tonight. I had a bunch of songs all ready for discussion and recommendation, still do, but being behind the keys as they say, in the hot seat, it seems a bit daunting now. Basically, I have three particular playlists I would like you to enjoy in some way, shape or form.
Apologies for any lack of coherence or consistency with any previous posts, on a totally selfish and boring note it has been a tempestuous week on my end to say the least. I won't bore you with the details, but physically and mentally I am in no way in the state I should be, so again, I can only apologise.
With that said, I owe a particular credit to a mixtape I discovered online that isn't actually mine. How I got to it is a long story, but you might get a kick out of it so here goes. E3 2014 was in full swing. An animator I'm a fan of (psychicpebbles. Check him out) made a post in reference to Ubisoft's 2011 conference, with 'Mr Caffeine'. I'd never heard of this guy so I took a look and cringed so hard that I wanted to cut my own fucking face off. Not for the faint hearted. On a side note, when are the powers that be going to stop treating every single person with any interest in games like doorknob-fucking retards with no friends, self esteem or cans of Lynx? Anyway. So that lead to a video called 'The worst of E3 2011' which was similarly cringeworthy all around. Some idiot kept saying 'Great job, Jeremy' (makes sense in context), I looked up the full clip of this odd segment, which lead to the music of a series called 'Touhou', uploaded by the same person. I'd never heard of this, but I quite liked the music. So, I searched "What is Touhou?" and got a very enjoyable and informative explanation. The same guy who did this explanation had uploaded this...
I was fucking blown away. Whoever this fella is, he has fucking incredible taste in dance music, impeccable I'd even say. Really impressive. Hammockalypse is, as the description says, perfect for late nights with the feet up in the sun just getting fucking monged on music, basically. It's not the most taxing stuff to listen to, which is where its appeal lies. It has put me onto some stunning artists, including Mister Lies, Blackmill, Stumbleine, Dengue Fever and...whatever FELT is. Think it's one of those anime things. Anyway, I'm practically begging you to listen to at least the first four songs on this mixtape, it's something truly special I reckon. It's been instrumental in keeping my sanity together and in short just zombifying me, which can be exactly what you need sometimes. Enjoy.
This next mixtape...if it goes wrong and you don't like it, there's only me to blame. So there is that. I've called it Blunt Shmokin' Super Songs. You don't necessarily have to smoke a fat one to enjoy this music, but I imagine it would really help. These are one hundred songs that I recommend you dip into and try some new ones you haven't heard before if you're just needing something to take the edge off. No metal here lads, this is for the laidback hombres (and whatever the female equivalent of hombres are (don't tell me, I don't care)). I reiterate that I'm not asking you to listen to all of these, not even close, it would just soothe my ego if you'd dip into it, find a new song you enjoy, then message me saying something along the lines of "I love you, my friend, and I want to have your babies". Cheers. Without further ado...
Click above.
One last playlist. When pulling this one together, I was surprised at just how few songs I managed to pick for it. The purpose of it is to give you a bunch of...sad? Songs that you maybe haven't tried to pacify yourself during those dodgy little spells. So, aye, they're downtempo, slow and will generally put you on a downer if you're not in one but might pull you out if you are. Here is the last of my three mixtapes for this entry, and I've dubbed it Ow My Wrists:
First and foremost, a massive thank you to my good friend who I'll call Ultra Mundane here for the fantastic banner and for a mention on his radio show on Sunny Govan radio: http://www.sunnyg.com I don't know when he's on or whatever but check the site out anyway (I mean, if you wanna. You don't gotta) for fun and games.
So since I had the urge to write but had nothing in particular in mind, I'm just going to tackle the big boy. The big cheese. The bigger fish to fry. The elephant in this particularly black and melty room. Here it is...a small handful of things to enjoy 'in the glow' (after a special kind of smoke)!
I really need to work on my list titles, some day. Thing #1 - Oney
As much as I think he's a whining little bitch at the best of times, this fucker is one of the funniest fuckers a-fucking-round. His videos end me when I'm sober - I know them all back to front, see, so I didn't see what could be gained from watching his stuff after some Camberwell Carrot. Boy howdy was I wrong. The videos gain a whole new level of comedy when watched in that state. That doughy, pale Irish retard sure can roll out the funnies.
Odd thing, to discover that original disco music works beautifully well with a bit of reefer. Maybe I was on some special strain or whatever, but I could just about see the disco balls, satin shirts and sexual depravity in front of me. The 70s, from what I've gleamed, was the last decade where just about all music was pure and good. Then the 80s came along and fucked everything up (and yet hipsters and many others are utterly obsessed with the period, why??) Thing #3 - Sega Mega Drive Ultimate Collection
This one should be reasonably obvious I would've thought. About 50 total retro games, many of which are still pure quality. It can also be pretty hilarious when you discover how such simple tasks become complex missions in dexterity - Sonic the Hedgehog becomes bloody carnage! I'm being serious too, I had to change games constantly today because they were all too hard for me. Ecco The Dolphin gets a special mention here, this is what it was made for, far as I'm concerned.
Well, I mean, I'm a fan of this stuff all the time, so I'll take any excuse to talk about it. You can even go for quality 50s B-movies, they work almost as well for different reasons, just depends on your preference. If you go down that route, I recommend Them! The beauty of shit horror movies is that they are in no short supply - Gore-Met Zombie Chef From Hell, Fertilise The Blaspheming Bombshell, I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle, these are all real and they are all hilarious. The Driller Killer gets a special mention because of the stabbing in the street part, I was in company when I watched that and I'm told I looked like I was about to burst or suffocate.
Thing #5 - Parks
"Where did you learn the recipe for these brownies, Dorothy?"
Ok so I can't really give you a link that will take you to a park for you to walk around in. If you can't visit one, play Minecraft or whatever it is you rejects do. As a novice smoker, I occasionally read threads on what to do when stoned, wanting to try everything that seems worth trying. Going for a walk was a popular answer, but I couldn't see where the appeal would lie there, I'd just find it terrifying. Right? Well, yes actually, but it's still a lot of fun to do. Very recently I took a person in particular to my local park on a sunny evening and we blazed it, sat in a massive flower garden, the bees of Summer doing their thing around us, the sun slowly setting against a clear blue sky. It was quite an experience. As was strolling around the castle ruins, crossing the bridge over the gentle stream, walking the jetty around the lake, dawdling along the path with overhanging trees on either side of it which created a gateway effect with a little hill at the end that nearly causes you to enter cardiac arrest. I made none of that up either. Just imagine all that...but high.
Some other bits and pieces worth checking out: Nosferatu [1922 movie] Rez or Child Of Eden [Xbox 360] Monty Python's Flying Circus [TV show which my mate advises against watching high] Happy Snax [cheap crisps with a stoned-looking rabbit on the packs] Christ, everything [Christ, everything]
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