Video Games

Well, here we are again! I have just sampled the new flavour of crisp - Ranch Raccoon, and I must say I'm quite disappointed. That's about the pinnacle of excitement that my life has reached of late. So, I figured I'd write a bit about some cool shit to distract me from the mundanity of it all. I know I originally set out to chew the fat digitally over music, but for whatever reason I've been lead down the path of video games? Yeah, sorry about that, but in my defence I also stated that whatever happens, happens. We don't have to make it awkward, just take it as it comes, baby. No big deal.

So, what I'm going to do is name five games for each console I've owned that I think if you haven't played yet, you're doing yourself a massive disservice. I'm not saying my taste in games is perfect (see: Deathsmiles) but I reckon I've been wasting enough of my life on all sorts of consoles to have some kind of educated opinion on the subject. Take what I say with a pinch of salt, of course, it's entirely my opinion. But I really, really, really hope that if you're reading this and see a game mentioned that you haven't played that you immediately go and give it a shot. On my life, you will not be disappointed. I should point out that I haven't played every game I'd like to, so I'm bound to miss a good one here and there - I've only just made it halfway through Code Veronica after all these years, and I imagine if I'd done so sooner that would be here, it's a great game...if a bit really hard compared to the other Resis. Oh and spoiler alert!!! But anyway, here it is...

Games To Treasure Forever

We start with the Playstation Two, solely because I'm currently totally lost in the #1 game at the moment and want to talk about it. Here goes...

#5 - Shadow of the Colossus

There's a whole debate about whether video games can or should be considered a form of art or not; I think this game illustrates better than most that it definitely is. So, here's the deal. You're Wander. Your woman Mono is dead, but you can restore her to life by slaying the sixteen colossi of the land, as promised by Dormin, a totally trustworthy demonic entity, with the help of your loyal horse Agro. And that's it! That's the story.

So, essentially the game is a string of sixteen grand, majestic, beautiful boss battles. Each one is completely unique and sure to stick in your memory for a long, long time. Some examples of this mechanic that spring to mind are chasing down a flying colossi (named Phalanx if memory serves me right) riding Agro, getting up nice and close, standing up on your steed's back and leaping for dear life onto the beast's wing, quickly climbing onto the tip of the wing and stabbing its sigil with your sword. Another, pictured, involves using your longbow to aggravate Mr Big And Swordy into attacking you, at which point you sprint up his sword, along his arm and climb up his shoulder, onto his head, and stabbing him, before he shakes you off...but you catch his stone 'belt' on the way down, narrowly avoiding death, before Agro gets in place for you to safely drop down and try again.

It truly is just a thing of beauty. The final battle too...you think you've seen it all and couldn't possibly be surprised, but you'd be so wrong. The thing's a fucking mountain! But the adrenaline rush you get from very slowly climbing to the top, while the most epic music you've ever heard in your life blares, with orchestral perfection and a choir to die for...it's unmatched. Also, for a game which has barely any dialogue at all, the feeling you get when you have to watch Wander shouting in despair after just watching Agro fall to her death is incredible and very unexpected. I could've cried, genuinely, and I thought I didn't care...I actually just watched the cutscene I'm talking about and I welled up. Not Agro, why Agro, why?!

See this game for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YO2I2kFORQo

#4 - Kingdom Hearts

Ah, this old game. I'm sure you probably think me a total fuckhead for including this, but hear me out. I accept that you are a retard swinging a giant key around, I accept that the story was and is completely nonsensical and stupidly intricate and I accept all the other shit this series gets. But the original game is a masterpiece for so many reasons.

Skipping on the story completely because I hate the KH story more than any other game series story I think. But you're Sora, the aforementioned retard swinging the giant key, the Keyblade, around. The game is as you must know a mixture of Disney and Final Fantasy characters which somehow works! Seriously, it does. The game was one of the most fun experiences that you could get on the PS2 during its release, and who wouldn't want to rush through Wonderland with Alice, Donald Duck and Goofy Whateverheis (dog? But Pluto...) whacking 'Heartless' over the head and saying "It's 12 o'cock, bitch!"? It's a real thrill and very charming at times. An old friend and I once tried to get Sora's stats all to maximum, which is 100 if I recall, and let me assure you, that was no light time investment. We managed to max out his attack completely but never finished his defence. It's that good.

The battle with Sephiroth, pictured, deserves special mention for being so outrageously hard until you learn his every move. When you finally DO defeat him, you feel you have accomplished something truly special, he is an absolute bitch to fight. But it's also the most fun you can have in the game, in my humble opinion, once you get it down. Also hearing a mysterious voice say "Now, let's see that Keyblade...or do I have no choice but to take it?" then the figure emerges from the shadows and you discover it's only fucking Squall! What a rush.

See this game for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=463JY-_sN0A

#3 - Silent Hill 2

Now we're talking. The first four Silent Hill games are all superb (yes, even The Room, weird though it is when compared to the others) but the second game, for me, is by far the king. You are James Sunderland, a poor, confused man who has just received a letter from his dead wife, inviting him to their 'special place', Silent Hill. Dead people don't send letters though, so I guess I've spotted a flaw in this game's story! I'm kidding, even our walking talking vagina of a protagonist realises this, and that's why he's showed up to the town from Hell.

The game is so amazing for one main reason to me: it doesn't rely on jump scares at all. Well, it does have them, but the true horror comes from the images conjured up and the nightmares you will have from seeing what you have seen, through James Sunderland's eyes. You're given next to no ammunition (which is fine cause you have sod all guns too) and a couple of decent-to-shit melee weapons in which to battle off the slew of grotesques in the town, all of which are manifestations of James' personal demons. I called him a walking talking vagina for a reason, see, because you battle such monsters, except they don't talk. Seriously, vaginas on legs that spray acid at you, to represent James' internal suffering...they're meant to look like hospital patients squirming in agony but also have some of James' sexual frustration in there. It may sound silly but it's genuinely absolutely bloody terrifying. Or the mannequins...The very sexy mannequins. And we ain't even gotten to Pyramid Head yet son!

There are three difficulty settings, one set each for Action and Puzzles, so you'll have plenty to come back for. Multiple endings, including an ending which reveals it has been a dog in a computer room orchestrating the events of the game. Funny and yet twisted. Ok, so Pyramid Head. He's James' personal nemesis, the manifestation of his desire to be tortured and punished for not saving his wife Mary's life. Oh, that's another thing, this has one of the best stories of any video game, ever. When you finally discover the truth at the end of the game, your jaw will fucking drop, mines does every time even when I know it's coming, I forget the impact that the revelation has on me. Seriously, you need to play this game. It will change you and I'm pretty sure I mean that. You'll cry, you'll scream, you'll have your heart torn out, it's not a game, it's an experience. "You deserve to die too James!" Man...gets me every time.

See this game for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uz2Tzw1KDTU

#2 - Timesplitters 2

I'm not sure if this is a cheat or not, since I actually owned this for the Gamecube. I'm classing it as PS2 though because I think my Gamecube list will be tight, lots of great games came out for that system.

But we're talking Timesplitters right now. This is, for my money, the best first person shooter ever made. See, a lot of people would say Goldeneye, but I encourage you to go back and try Goldeneye now, I'll wait. ......... Hasn't aged well has it? I'd almost say by today's standards, it's a bad game! Timesplitters 2 on the other hand is a work of perfection. You have a silly story mode, where you battle your way through different time periods including a zombie-filled Notre Dame (complete with hunchback character), Neo Tokyo which comes direct from Blade Runner pursuing a hacker, the Wild West complete with pain in the arse boss, an Aztec temple overrun with monkeys who want to kill you with explosive watermelons and more, hunting down the Timesplitters for the time crystals they stole. Timesplitters is absolutely bloody bonkers and I love it.

Three difficulty settings, 120 unlockable characters, about 20 game modes including Deathmatch, Virus (a real thrill), Vampire and more to play with friends, 30 or so unique and fun guns, and other impressive numbers. This game has a little feature called Insomniac, which basically tells you the longest period you've played the game for in one sitting. I clocked in at over eighteen hours. What does that tell you? It's because of the Arcade Mode, full of amusing little missions, each with their own fun gimmick. You can score a bronze, silver, gold or platinum in these mini missions and each trophy you get will bring a reward, be it a new gun, a new stage, a new character, a new game mode, whatever. That's the real time suck. Or, there's Challenge Mode, including a mode in which you are trapped in one room, practically immobile, as zombies pour in from all over trying to tear you a new one, which is also a real thrill, cause it's damn hard. Forget your CODs and your Battlefields and your Master Sergeant Shooter Person 3Ds, this is the one you want.

See this game for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlHjj_WdHVU

#1 - Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening

This is it, ladies and gentlemen. This list isn't in any real order, but this game is where it belongs, at the top. The best Playstation 2 game of them all, I say. A lad at school recommended the first Devil May Cry to me once and really sold it to me, so I went and bought it. So began a love affair that would last me the rest of my life (so far at least. Don't fuck this one up, Capcom, it's the last of your franchises you haven't ruined. More on that later).

Devil May Cry 3 follows the half-human, half-demon Dante the demon hunter and son of Sparda, the legendary demon who rebelled against his own kind to save humanity. He's just sitting around eating pizza when a weird bald guy pays him a visit and brings some demon bitches with him. Next thing you know, a colossal tower appears from the ground, atop which stands Dante's icy, selfish, power-mad twin brother, Vergil. You do battle with the demons outside Dante's office, culminating in a standoff between you and a greater demon, the Hell Vanguard. You struggle with all of your might to beat this sonofabitch and it certainly doesn't prove easy. Then you see a cutscene of the Vanguard attacking Vergil, who, without blinking, kills it in one hit. "Holy fuck, he is going to destroy me, isn't he?"

And destroy you he will. This game is widely regarded as one of the hardest ever made which I couldn't agree with more. I'm very, very proud to report that I beat the game on Dante Must Die mode and I shit you not, I broke two controllers in the process, it was absolutely rage-inducing, but I made it! On the original version of the game too, not the easier re-release. Go me.

You have four 'styles' to choose from: Trickster, which makes dodging a lot easier; Gunslinger, which lets you use guns in totally unique and useful ways; Swordmaster, which does the same for your swords and Royalguard, which lets you block any attack and release your collected energy in one insanely powerful blast...if you can get the block timing down. Mastering these styles is a game in and of itself. You have five guns and five Devil Arms (swords, gauntlets, etc.) to choose from, and if you're going to take on this game's challenge, you'll need every one to survive and you'll need to know when to use each one.

The music, a strange mix of cyberpunk and gothic orchestral pieces, is outstanding and each tune fits the bill perfectly. Check out Devils Never Cry from the soundtrack, that's its centerpiece basically. The boss fights deserve special mention too. Each and every one of them will test your resolve to the absolute limits...I love to read people's opinions on who the hardest boss is, because everyone struggles with a different one. Good sign right? Most people hate the Vergil fights for example, but I believe they're some of video gaming's very finest moments, iconic and perfect in every way. It also helps that I've fought him so many times that I could do his moves in real life...Oh, if you care, my personal nemesis is Beowulf, pictured.

Tons to do here too. Find blue orb pieces to make blue orbs and increase your maximum health, invest in some purple orbs to increase your Devil Trigger, seek out the secret missions, unlock new characters, outfits and modes and of course, the legendary Super characters. I've put thirty hours into this game since I got it back on the HD collection for 360 and I have no plans to stop yet. Then what did they do? They went and released the Special Edition of DMC3, which lets you play as fucking Vergil. That might not mean anything to you, but it's the only time in my life I've bought the same game twice, put it that way. I bought DMC3 twice so I could play as Vergil and it was so, so worth it. That also doubles your playtime, so you'll be treasuring Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening, for a long, long time. I beg you - play it.

Devil May Cry has been consistently good too. Except for DMC2, I tried it again recently and it was torture, skip that one altogether. My friend has my DMC4 which I haven't finished, hurry up and give me that back! As for the reboot, DmC...you know what? I was very pleasantly surprised. It's great so far, I don't know what people are complaining about. I'm notorious for wearing nostalgia goggles and even I like the reboot, so it must be good. But I digress. Devil May Cry 3, best PS2 game of them all, and a game to treasure forever.

See this game for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VFlcxR6p6A